Dan: So sir, how does it feel to be the first man in the history of the world to be immortal?
Immortal Man: Well it feels good you know I mean it's not easy the ritual is quite rigorous and stressing on one's mentality.
Dan: I imagine so I mean is it really true you had to abduct 500 virgin young women and literally bathe in their blood?
Immortal Man: Yes that's correct the selection process wasn't the hardest part, I sought out various women between the ages of 10 and 15 and used a collection of Jonas Brothers CD's and promises of a fake concert to lure them to my house where I later gassed them and kept them in an industrial freezer until that fateful night of the full moon when I could commence the rest of the ritual.
Dan: My, my don't you think the families of all the departed girls will be sad to lose their daughters and even seek justice for their deaths?
Immortal Man: Indeed Dan, that was tricky living in a world with such quick response police force and judicial systems I knew I had to complete the second part of the ritual quickly.
Dan: Yes please do tell us...
Immortal Man: Well upon thawing out the bodies of the girls I proceeded to slice all vital arteries and drain their blood into a mini pool I had in my backyard, it was rather gruesome and tiresome but you know after the 200th girl or so the disturbing elements on my psyche had passed. I then pulled out my ancient book for the ritual of immortality and read the sacred lines as the bodies of the girls burned beneath the pool of blood heating it up and under the crisp night of that fateful full moon I felt myself changing. Just as the swarms of FBI and police stormed my house they were too late I was immortal and you know Dan it felt good...
Dan: So you were indeed caught and what as the punishment for such a horrendous crime?
Immortal Man: Well you know Dan the police were not prepared to witness such a horrible ritual and opened fire on me only to discover I could not be killed the only thing they could do was sentence me to 500 life sentences, but you know Dan...in the long run being immortal I have all of eternity to look forward so in mortal eyes that seems like forever but for me it's just a blink of an eye. A small price to pay for the ability to watch society and our planet change and evolve, to be a part of and witness the rest of history in the making.
Dan: Oh...yes that sounds great yeah....
Immortal Man: Why wouldn't you enjoy that yourself??
Dan: Sure, sure it's just didn't you hear?
Immortal Man: No what do you mean?
Dan: Yeah the world is gonna end in 2012 anyways if not by some zombie apocalypse, global warming, nuclear holocaust or massive disease epidemics either mankind as we know it is over 2012. So basically we've got a little more than 2 1/2 years left to enjoy life, too bad you've got to be in jail for the rest of it...and really you cannot be killed in any way?
Immortal Man: Yes...yes it's true...
Dan: You know that sucks my friend to forever be the last man alive forced to live eternity in the aftermath of the end of the world, in fact with the proceeds form this interview I'm using the money to retire and spend the last of my years on my own personal island. But hey you've got eternity right?
Immortal Man: Yeah...ahhhh god dammit....
Monday, May 4, 2009
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